Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Ready.

At the end of January, I decided to start looking for my biological mother again.

In the state of Louisiana, there is a process to go through. You must register in the "Louisiana Adoption Registry" as either the adoptee ( me) or the parent. Once your application goes into the registry, they can do two things:

1. match it to your biological family, notify you that a match has been made, and then instruct you to go through the mandatory counseling required to make a reunion, or...
2. let your file sit there until there is a match made.

I couldn't apply for the registry until I was 18. When I turned 18, I struggled with the decision to do so, and in the end, I only applied to the agency that handled my adoption. I never went to the state because the agency, Catholic Charities, told me no one had made an inquiry as to my adoption.

That was devastating.

I've struggled with my adoption, and for no good reason. I was adopted by an incredible family. I've never wanted for anything, and all in all, I think I've turned out o.k.


So why is this so hard?

At the end of January, I decided to grow a pair, and applied to the state registry, kind of the end all of adoption. I needed some additional information that I didn't know off the top of my head, so I had to go to my parents. That's even harder. My parents have always been very supportive of me searching for my biological mother, but letting them know that I was doing so again...is just hard.

Then came Valentines Day, and Lee proposed.
The whole thing was put on hold.
A week later, I saw the papers, and finally sent my dad an email asking him some questions.

"May I ask why?" was his only response.
So I dropped it.

A week later, my mom called me to talk about it. I hate talking about it, it makes it real.
I know they think it had something to do with the wedding, but it doesn't. It has to do with having Isaac.

I love him more than I can imagine, and more than that. I know he is 100% me, and for some reason, I just want to know what my 100% is, or why.

I finally mailed everything off, and stored it in the back of my mind.

Last week, I saw a special on VH-1, where DMC found his real mother. He made it look so easy, an hour long special, and plop, his biological mother was sitting next to him.

Can my special be that easy?

What would I even say?

My mom kept telling me that I had to be prepared. Lee said the same thing. How? How do you prepare? I can't explain it to someone who isn't adopted, but there is no "preparing" for the letter, or for the reunion.

You just do.


If I only had two words to tell her, they would be "Thank You". After being pregnant for nine months with Isaac, there is no way I could have given him up. He was as much a part of me, as I him. She was so self-less to give me up, and at the age of 16, many of us aren't that strong.


So Lee and I got home from Disney World last night, and there was a mountain of mail waiting, most of it crap. But there was a letter from the Louisiana Dept of Social Services.

And my heart dropped.

It was so thin.

"We regret to inform you that we have no match at this time with any of your biological family."

No match. She's still alive, she's just not looking for me.
I'm right here though, and I'm still looking for her.

I just wish the feeling was mutual, because this time it hurts so much more, like devastation and rejection at the same time. It's quite the punch to the gut.

I guess I wasn't ready.